PUNKING THE BIG GUY!

AFTER THE CALENDER SHOOT,

 I DECIDED TO JUST GO HANG OUT WITH DEE IN HER OFFICE FOR A WHILE,

 AND SEE HOW MANY TIMES I CAN GET HER TO THREATEN TO PUT ME BACK DOWN ON THE FLOOR IF I DON'T SIT STILL?

I'LL SAY 362!

I'M NOT EVEN SETTLED IN HER LAP YET, WHEN IN WALKS THE BIG GUY WITH THE NEW CAMERA HANGING AROUND HIS NECK LIKE AN OLYMPIC MEDAL!

EVER SINCE DEE BROUGHT THAT THING HOME,

 HE HAS TAKEN PICTURES OF EVERYTHING THAT EXISTS,

 WITHIN FOUR BLOCKS OF OUR HOUSE! 

I AM NOT KIDDING! 

SEE FOR YOURSELF!

HERE'S A PICTURE HE TOOK OF MY NEIGHBORS TAIL PIPE!

HERE'S ONE HE TOOK OF THE BARK ON MY OTHER NEIGHBORS TREE!
 

HERE'S ONE OF SOMEBODY'S MAILBOX FLAG!

 OH LOOK!
HERE'S ONE OF SOMEBODY'S BIG HAIRY BUG!
 

"QUICK SOMEBODY GET NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC ON THE LINE! 

I THINK THIS GUYS READY TO START FILMING STARVING SHARKS UNDER WATER,
  AT FEEDING TIME...WITHOUT A CAGE!

(HE DID THIS 4 SECOND VIDEO OF MERLIN BARKING,

 AND HAS BEEN WAITING ON A NOD FROM THE OSCAR'S EVER SINCE!)

I THINK HE'S HOPING TO PICK ONE UP FOR,

 'BEST COCKTAIL INDUCED SHORT FILM BY AN IDIOT WITH A CAMERA?

(I CALL IT HIS HAPPY HOUR PRODUCTION,

 IN ASSOCIATION WITH BLURRY VISION IMAGING!)

LOOK, I KNOW THE BIG GUY LIKE THE BACK OF MY PAW!

THE ONLY REASON HE'S HERE IN THE OFFICE WITH THAT CAMERA,
IS TO TAKE A WHOLE BUNCH OF PICTURES OF ME,
SO HE CAN SHOW THEM OFF TO HIS FRIENDS,
(BOTH OF THEM),
 AND BOAST ABOUT THE SHEER GENIUS BEHIND THE LENS...

WELL FRIENDS..
.I THINK IT'S TIME WE HAVE A LITTLE FUN WITH THE 'GENIUS' BEHIND THE LENS!

HERE'S THE PLAN...
I'M GONNA PUNK THE BIG GUY Y'ALL!

NO MATTER WHAT FACIAL EXPRESSION OR LOOK HE ASKS ME TO DO,
 I'M GONNA DO THEM AS FAST AS HE CAN ASK ME TO DO THEM!

WITHIN THE FIRST TWO OR THREE PICTURES,
 HE'S GONNA START TO THINK, EITHER HE'S GOT THE SMARTEST DOG ON THE PLANET? OR HE CAN COMMUNICATE WITH ANIMALS LIKE SOME KIND OF...
DOCTOR DO LESS THAN LITTLE!

(YOU KNOW WHICH ONE MY MONEY'S ON!)

 LET'S SEE WHAT THE BIG GUY'S GONNA WANT ME TO DO,
 AND AS SOON AS WE'RE ALL DONE..
. I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO KEEP A ROGUE CAMERA NUT LIKE HIM...
 FROM EVER TAKING YOUR PICTURE AGAIN!
WATCH THIS!

HERE'S WHAT THE BIG GUY IS SAYING...

"CAN YOU LOOK RIGHT AT THE CAMERA FOR ME DITZY?"

AND THIS IS WHAT I'M THINKING!

"NO AUTO FLASH? REALLY?"

THIS IS WHAT HE'S SAYING:

 "GOOD GIRL DITZY!
CAN YOU CURL UP IN MOMMY'S LAP,
 AND LOOK UP FOR ME NOW SWEETHEART?"

AND THIS IS WHAT I'M THINKING:

"YOU MEAN LIKE THIS?
BOOOOORING!"

HERE'S WHAT THE BIG GUY IS SAYING:

 "CAN YOU TURN YOUR HEAD TO THE LEFT FOR ME PRETTY GIRL?

AND HERE'S WHAT I'M THINKING:..
"MY LEFT OR YOURS?"

HERE'S WHAT HE'S SAYING...

"CAN YOU PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN ON MOMMY'S LAP,
 AND SHOW ME YOUR BORED PUPPY FACE DITZY?

AND HERE'S WHAT I'M THINKING...

"WAIT FOR IT....WAIT FOR IT"

(THE BIG GUY TO DEE!)

"I THINK THIS DOG UNDERSTANDS EVERYTHING I'M SAYING HONEY!
 SERIOUSLY! YOU SHOULD SEE THIS FOR A MINUTE!

OKAY DITZY GIRL...
CAN YOU LICK YOUR LIPS FOR ME PRETTY GIRL?

O.M.G! THAT'S INCREDIBLE!

CAN YOU TURN YOUR HEAD TO THE RIGHT,
 AND PUT ONE OF YOUR EARS DOWN FOR ME DITZY-DOODLE?

THIS  IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING DEE!

CAN YOU SHOW ME 'FRAIDY CAT' FACE PRETTY DITZ?

ARE YOU SEEING THIS DEE?
 I'M TELLING YOU,
 THIS DOG IS WAY BEYOND SMART!
WATCH THIS..

DITZY?
CAN YOU WIPE A TEAR FROM YOUR EYE WITH YOUR PAW LITTLE GIRL?

HOW ABOUT A GREAT BIG YAWN?
CAN YOU SHOW ME A GREAT BIG YAWN PRETTY GIRL?"

(THE YAWN WAS REAL Y'ALL!
I WAS ABOUT BORED TO TEARS)...

(AS SOON AS HE LEAVES THE ROOM TO GO PUT THE CAMERA BATTERY,
 BACK ON LIFE SUPPORT,
 I'LL EXPLAIN HOW HE'S GONNA GET HIMSELF PUPPY PUNK'D...
 BEFORE THE DAY IS OVER!

OKAY...THERE HE GOES...

RIGHT NOW, THE BIG GUY SERIOUSLY BELIEVES, THAT HIS CUTE LITTLE DITZY-WITZY GIRL, IS ONE OF THOSE 'PROGIDY' PUPPIES YOU HEAR ABOUT ONCE IN A WHILE!

I GUARANTEE YOU,
HE IS ON THE PHONE, RIGHT NOW INVITING HIS FRIENDS OVER,
AS FAST AS HE CAN, SO THEY CAN SEE FOR THEMSELVES,
WHAT A TRULY AMAZING ANIMAL,
HIS WONDERFUL AND GIFTED LITTLE DOG REALLY IS!

 WHILE WE'RE WAITING FOR HIS FRIENDS TO ARRIVE,
THE FIRST THING WE WANT TO DO,
 IS GO AHEAD AND HIT THE 'DELETE ALL' BUTTON ON THE CAMERA.

ONCE HIS FRIENDS DO ARRIVE,
 HE'S GONNA GRAB THE CAMERA, COME LOOKING FOR ME,
 AND TELL HIS FRIENDS...
"WATCH THIS GUYS!
YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SHOW YOU!
CHECK IT OUT!

DITZY! DITZY GIRL?

HEY DITZY-WITZ! WAKE UP PRETTY GIRL!

TIME TO WAKE UP SLEEPY PUPPY!

DITZY? OH DITZY? COME ON LITTLE GIRL!
 

LET'S SHOW MY FRIENDS HOW SMART YOU ARE!

COME ON DITZY GIRL! LET'S GO MAKE SOME FUNNY FACES AGAIN!

(NOTICE THE SMILE ON MY FACE?)

ONCE HE REALIZES HIS FRIENDS ARE ABOUT READY TO START LAUGHING AT HIM FOR LOOKING SUCH A MORON...HERE'S WHAT HE'LL TELL THEM...

"A LITTLE WHILE AGO, I TOLD THIS DOG TO DO ALL THESE DIFFERENT FACIAL EXPRESSIONS FOR THE CAMERA, ONE AFTER ANOTHER!
 NO MATTER WHAT FACE I TOLD HER TO MAKE...SHE MADE IT!
JUST LIKE THAT!
NO HESITATION!
 NO THINKING ABOUT IT!
NOTHING!
IT WAS LIKE SHE WAS TRAINED FOR TV OR SOMETHING!

 IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME...SEE FOR YOURSELF!
   HERE'S THE CAMERA I TOOK THEM WITH!

AT THAT POINT..
I TAKE MY FINAL CURTAIN CALL,
AND BOW ONE LAST TIME TO MY AUDIENCE!

"BRAVO! BRAVO" THEY SCREAM!
"ENCORE! AUTHOR! AUTHOR!
SPLENDID PERFORMANCE!"

(GOTTA RUN...SOUNDS LIKE THE BIG GUYS FRIENDS ARE HERE!)
 WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME Y'ALL!