I CAUGHT UP WITH MERLIN A LITTLE WHILE LATER, AFTER HE HAD RETURNED FROM TAKING CARE OF A VERY 'PRESSING' MATTER...
(LIKE PRESSING HIS FACE INTO A PILLOW FOR A SNOOZE PRESSING)
HE WAS JUST WRAPPING UP HIS SHIFT ON UFO WATCH,
SO I THOUGHT I'D GO SEE WHAT HE WAS DOING AFTER WORK.
I HAD COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN THAT TODAY IS THE DAY MOLLY HAS VOCAL LESSONS, UNTIL MERLIN JUST REMINDED ME.
IF SHE STARTS PRACTICING IN THE HOUSE, (WHICH IS A HUGE 'NO-NO, WITH SEVERE CONSEQUENCES ATTACHED TO IT!), WE WOULD ALL BE DEAF BEFORE WE COULD GET TO THE DOGGIE DOOR...AND THAT INCLUDES THE HUMANS TOO!
PUNISHMENT FOR THIS UNACCEPTABLE INFRINGEMENT IS SWIFT AND JUST!
INDOOR BARKING WILL SIMPLY NOT BE TOLERATED AT ANY TIME!
THE LAST TIME MOLLY STARTED PRACTICING IN THE HOUSE, SHE HAD TO LISTEN TO SOME OF THE SWEETEST REPEATED WARNINGS YOU HAVE EVER HEARD!
IT WAS HORRIBLE Y'ALL!
WARNINGS SO SOFT AND SEVERE, I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA GAG ON THE SUGAR IN THE AIR!
"NO-NO PRETTY GIRL...NO BARKY-BARKY IN THE HOUSE PRETTY GIRL...GO OUTSIDE AND BARK MOLLY-MOLLY GIRL...NO,NO NO, MOLLY...YOU BE A GOOD GIRL MOLLY-GIRL...YOU GO OUTSIDE AND BARK PRETTY MOLLS...OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER...FEEL ME?
I THOUGHT DEE WAS GONNA MUSHY-MUSHY THAT POOR DOG TO DEATH FOLKS!
ANOTHER TIME SHE STARTED TO PRACTICE IN THE HOUSE, SHE WAS TAKEN OUTSIDE AND PLAYED WITH FOR TWENTY MINUTES, TO HELP BURN OFF EXTRA ENERGY!
I CAN'T BEGIN TO EVEN IMAGINE THE HORROR OF THAT KIND OF TRAUMA Y'ALL.
ANOTHER TIME THE BIG GUY SHUT HER UP WITH TREATS!
678,452,934, 226,780,483,633, OF THEM!
(MOLLY DIDN'T EAT AGAIN FOR TWO YEARS!)
(I THOUGHT THE BIG GUY WAS GONNA REWARD HER TO DEATH!)
I TOLD MERLIN, I WAS GONNA GO DO MY WORK-OUT, AND REMINDED HIM TO COME GET ME, IF MOLLY EVEN LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT BARKING IN THE HOUSE!
HE PROMISED HE WOULD.
I GENERALLY LIKE TO START OUT WITH SOME SOME FULL BODY
STRETCHES, LIKE THIS...
WHAT I DO IN THIS EXERCISE, IS FIND SOMETHING SOLID TO PUSH OFF OF,
LIKE A NEWLY PAINTED CABINET OR SOMETHING, AND THEN STAND ON MY TIPPY-TOES, WHILE ARCHING MY BACK TOWARDS THE NEWLY PAINTED CABINETS!
AFTER A COUPLE OF THOSE, I PUSH OFF OF THE NEWLY PAINTED CABINETS AND REMAIN ON MY TIPPY-TOES, FOR AS LONG AS I CAN, TO HELP BUILD LEG STRENGTH...
AT THE SAME TIME I'M BALANCING MY TOTAL BODY WEIGHT ON MY LITTLE CHICKEN WING ANKLES, I TURN MY HEAD TO THE RIGHT AND STRETCH MY NECK MUSCLES IN THAT SAME DIRECTION.
THEN... I TURN MY HEAD BACK TO THE LEFT,
AND STRETCH MY NECK MUSCLES IN THAT DIRECTION!
AND STRETCH MY NECK MUSCLES IN THAT DIRECTION!
YOU GOT IT?
I'LL SHOW YOU ONE MORE TIME....READY?
UP!
ARCH BACK INWARD!
PUSH OFF CABINET.
BALANCE ON TIPPY-TOES!
ARCH BACK INWARD!
PUSH OFF CABINET.
BALANCE ON TIPPY-TOES!
HEAD TO RIGHT!
AND BACK TO THE LEFT
PUP-AROBICS! IT'S EASY!
LEGAL DISCLAIMER
THESE EXERCISES ARE NOT RECOMMENDED FOR HUMANS, FISH, CATS, OTHER DOGS, REPTILES, OR AMPHIBIANS!
PUPPIES CONSIDERING THESE EXERCISES, SHOULD TALK WITH THERE VET BEFORE ATTEMPTING TO TRY THEM, TO MAKE SURE YOUR HEALTHY ENOUGH TO DO CUTE STRETCHES!
MERLIN AND I BOTH HEARD THE FIRST PRACTICE BARK AT THE SAME TIME AND KNEW THERE WAS NO TIME TO WASTE!
"MERLIN!" I SAID..."YOU GO MAKE SURE KACI GETS OUT OKAY AND I'LL GO GET THE BIG GUY TO OPEN THE BACK DOOR!"
"HOW ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT?" MERLIN ASKED.
"I'LL USE MY 'PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO POTTY INSIDE DADDY' FACE!
NOW REMEMBER MERLIN... AS SOON YOU HEAR THAT BACK DOOR OPEN YOU TWO GET TO SAFETY AND I'LL MAKE SURE TIKA IS HOT ON MY HEELS AND WE'LL SEE YOU ON THE PORCH! NOW GO MERLIN! GO!
I FOUND THE BIG GUY SITTING AT THE COUNTER IN THE KITCHEN,
SO I JUMPED UP ON HIM TO GET HIS ATTENTION.
I GUESS HE THOUGHT I WANTED TO PLAY OR SOMETHING BECAUSE HE SURE WASN'T REACHING FOR ANY DOOR KNOBS THAT I COULD SEE!
I JUMPED BACK DOWN AND DROPPED 'THE FACE' ON HIM Y'ALL!
THIS ONE!
I CALL IT THE AUTOMATIC DOOR OPENER!
A SPLIT SECOND LATER, MERLIN AND KACI HAD BOTH CLEARED THE DOGGIE DOOR,
AND MADE IT TO THE SAFETY OF THE BACK PORCH!
I HAD TO WARN TIKA BEFORE IT WAS TO LATE!
I KNEW IF SHE WAS UPSTAIRS, THERE WOULDN'T BE ENOUGH TIME TO RUN UP AND GET US BOTH OUT WITH OUR HEARING IN TACT!
TIKA AND I HAD BEEN WORKING ON A SECRET PANIC BARK WE WOULD USE TO WARN THE OTHERS WHENEVER MOLLY WAS ABOUT TO START BARKING IN THE HOUSE. WE HADN'T HAD A CHANCE TO TRY IT YET, SO I CROSSED MY NAILS AND HOPED SHE REMEMBERED WHAT IT SOUNDED LIKE!
I TOOK A STEP BACK,
AND JUMPED AS HIGH AS I COULD INTO THE AIR AND SCREAMED UNTIL I WAS CROSS-EYED Y'ALL!
THEN I HEADED FOR THE BACK DOOR PRAYING TIKA WOULD BE HOT ON MY HEELS AND MAKE IT OUT IN TIME.
I KNEW KACI AND MERLIN HAD GOTTEN OUT OKAY,
BUT I STILL DIDN'T SEE TIKA ANYWHERE!
SUDDENLY I TURNED AROUND AND THERE SHE WAS!
SHE HAD MADE IT! WE HAD ALL...MADE IT!
MOLLY GOT OFF ANOTHER BARK OR TWO BEFORE THE BIG GUY SHOVED HER OUT THE DOOR TO GO PRACTICE HER VOCAL MADNESS OUTSIDE.
WE DIDN'T MIND MOLLY PRACTICING OUTSIDE IN THE OPEN AIR,
(WHERE AT LEAST THE NOISE HAD A CHANCE TO ESCAPE!)
MOLLY LET OUT A COUPLE OF PRACTICE BARKS,
THEN A SUSTAINED HOWL ...OF SORTS.
AFTER THAT, SHE CLEARED HER THROAT,
THEN JUMPED UP ON HER LITTLE PERCH AND BEGAN TO WAIL...
I MEAN HONE IN ON HER BARKING SKILLS THAT IS!
SHE BARKED THIS WAY,
AND THEN THAT WAY,
AND THEN HIT THE HIGH NOTES
AND THE LOW NOTES...
AND BARKED HER LITTLE HEAD OFF FOR FOR THE NEXT HOUR AND A HALF!
(I SNUCK BACK IN THE HOUSE AND WATCHED TV.
THE WHOLE TIME SHE WAS OUT THERE!)
GOTTA GO Y'ALL! SEE YA NEXT TIME!
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