BEING TAKEN FOR A RIDE ALRIGHT...

TO 'START GETTING THE DOGS READY SOON,'

 WAS ABOUT AS BROAD OF A STATEMENT AS YOU CAN MAKE,

 IN FRONT OF A DOG, WHO IS AS FAMILIAR WITH THE HUMAN LANGUAGE AS I AM!

READY FOR WHAT? 

SURGERY? FLYING LESSONS? BREAKFAST?

I MEAN COME ON! 

HUMANS HAVE NO IDEA HOW TRAUMATIC IT CAN BE,

 FOR A DOG TO KNOW, IT'S ABOUT TO BE GOTTEN READY FOR SOMETHING...

BUT NOT KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT'S ABOUT TO BE GOTTEN READY FOR?

IT CAN BE A VERY FRIGHTENING JOURNEY INTO THE UNKNOWN,
 FOR US POOCHES, YOU KNOW?

I ASKED MERLIN IN MY SCAREDEST LITTLE PUPPY VOICE...
"WHERE ARE WE GOING MERLIN? I'M FRIGHTENED!"

(AND THEN I TOPPED THAT OFF,
 WITH ONE OF MY SIGNATURE 'FRAIDY-DOG' LOOKS!)

MERLIN SAID,
"MAYBE THE BIG GUY WILL TELL WHOEVER HE WAS ON THE PHONE WITH,
 WHAT WE WERE ALL GONNA BE GETTING READY FOR"
 HE THOUGHT WE SHOULD LISTEN IN ON THE BIG GUY'S CONVERSATION,
AND SEE IF THAT WOULD YIELD ANY CLUES!

I PERSONALLY, WAS APPALLED AT THE MERE THOUGHT OF PLAYING ANY PART,
 OF LISTENING IN ON THE BIG GUY'S CONVERSATION!
 WHAT A HORRIBLE INTRUSION INTO ONE'S CIVIL LIBERTIES!
WHAT A TERRIBLE VIOLATION OF ONES RIGHT TO PIRACY!
THE WHOLE THING FELT SO.....CONGRESSIONAL-ISH!

I WENT PORT-STARBOARD WITH THE EARS...

AND TOLD MERLIN...TO COUNT ME IN!

AND WHAT EXACTLY DID DEE MEAN, WHEN SHE SAID, GET THE DOG'S' READY?

WAS SHE TALKING ABOUT TWO OF US? THREE OF US? FOUR OF US?
THE WHOLE PACK!

IT'S 'NOT' KNOWING,,,THAT JUST DRIVES US ALL CRAZY!

KACI DIDN'T KNOW IF SHE WAS COMING...

 OR GOING!

MOLLY TRIED TO BARRICADE HERSELF IN HER KENNEL,
BUT TO NO AVAIL...

WHAT A DRAG!

AND TIKA?
TIKA WAS OUT ON THE BACK PORCH,
 TRYING TO HIDE BEHIND A FOUR INCH SQUARE POST!
 

SUDDENLY, WE HEARD THE BIG GUY SAY TO WHOEVER HE WAS TALKING TO..
"WELL, THREE OF THE DOGS HAVE APPOINTMENTS,
 SO WHY DON'T I GIVE YOU CALL WHEN WE GET BACK?."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I THOUGHT TO MYSELF!

"WHICH THREE!?
 APPOINTMENTS FOR WHAT?!
THE GROOMER? THE VET? 
THE GRIM REAPER!

.AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
STOP THE MADNESS! I BEG OF YOU!

IF THREE OF US HAVE APPOINTMENTS FOR WHO KNOWS WHAT...
WHAT'S THE PLAN FOR THE OTHER TWO?

I CHECKED MY BLOOD PRESSURE...2 BILLION OVER A MILLION!

I NEEDED ANSWERS, AND I NEEDED THEM NOW!

 I ALSO KNEW I EXACTLY...WHERE I COULD GET THEM TOO!

MOMMY! OHHHHH MOMMY!

I KNEW THE SECOND SHE LOOKED DOWN AT ME,
SHE WOULD EASE MY TROUBLED MIND..

"ARE YOU AND TIKA GONNA GO FOR A RIDE WITH ME AND DADDY,
 WHEN WE TAKE MERLIN, AND MOLLY AND KACI TO THE GROOMERS DITZY-WITZY?"

"I SURE AM, MOM....I SURE AM!"

MYSTERY SOLVED!
BRAIN OVERLOAD AVERTED!
RESUMING NORMAL BLOOD PRESSURE IN 3, 2, 1...
I'M GOOD Y'ALL!

I RAN OUT OF THE GARAGE TO GO FIND MERLIN, MOLLY AND KACI,
 AND GIVE THEM THE GOOD NEWS!

 I FOUND MERLIN FIRST!

"HEY MERLIN" I SAID,
"GUESS WHAT?
YOU MOLLY AND KACI ARE GOING TO THE DOGGY BAKERY FOR TREATS,
 WHILE ME AND TIKA GO GET ALL OUR TEETH PULLED!

 "REALLY?" MERLIN ASKED!

SO...DOES THAT MEAN I CAN HAVE ALL YOUR TREATS THEN?"

I SHOOK MY HEAD AND WENT TO LOOK FOR MOLLY!

OH BY THE WAY READERS...
 DO YOU REMEMBER ME TELLING YOU YESTERDAY, HOW MERLIN IS ALWAYS COMPLAINING ABOUT THE SALIVA STREAKS ON THE DOGGY DOOR?
YOU KNOW...THE STREAKS HE DENIES HAVING EVER LEFT ON ANY DOGGY DOOR?

WELL....IF IT PLEASES THE COURT Y'ALL,
THE PROSECUTION WOULD LIKE TO ENTER INTO EVIDENCE
EXHIBITS A-E AT THIS TIME!

EXHIBIT A!

  EXHIBIT B!

EXHIBIT C!

EXHIBIT D,

NOTE RE: EXHIBIT D,

EXHIBIT D SHOWS THE EXACT MOMENT WHEN THE SUSPECT DOG,
 NOTICES THE WIRING FOR THE CLOSED CIRCUIT TV CAMERA I INSTALLED,
AND FOLLOWS IT UP TO WHERE THE CAMERA HAS CAPTURED HIS EVERY MOVE!

I REST MY CASE!

I FOUND MOLLY HANGING OUT ON THE BACK PORCH AND GAVE HER THE GOOD NEWS!

YOU, MERLIN AND KACI ARE GOING TO THE DOG PARK TO PLAY,
 WHILE ME AND TIKA GO AND HAVE OUR DEW CLAWS REMOVED,
 WITHOUT ANESTHESIA OR ANYTHING!

SHE TRIED TO HIDE HER EXCITEMENT,
 BUT I KNEW SHE WAS THRILLED WITH THE IDEA OF GOING TO THE DOG PARK!

WHILE I WAS GIVING MOLLY THE GOOD NEWS,
 I LOOKED OVER AT TIKA, WHO WAS TELLING KACI THE GOOD NEWS,
DOWN AT THE OTHER END OF THE PORCH!

"HEY KACI!" I HEARD HER SAY...
  "YOU, AND MOLLY AND MERLIN ARE ALL GOING TO THE DOG FOOD FACTORY,
 FOR AN ALL YOU CAN EAT PUPPY PICNIC,
WHILE ME AND TIKA GO TO THE VET AND SPAYED AGAIN!

KACI LIT UP LIKE CHRISTMAS WHEN SHE HEARD FOOD FACTORY!

LOOK AT HER! SHE'S GLOWING WITH ANTICIPATION Y'ALL!

THE EXCITEMENT OF THE PACK WAS OFF THE LEASH Y'ALL!
THE ADRENALIN WAS FLOWING,
 HEARTS WERE RACING...
MOUTHS WERE WATERING...
 STOMACHS WERE GROWLING!
IT WAS CRAAAAAAZY!

ME AND TIKA THOUGHT THE OTHER THREE,
 WERE ABOUT TO LOSE THEIR EVER LOVIN MINDS Y'ALL!

WE WERE PRETTY EXCITED TOO!
AFTER ALL,
WE WERE THE ONES
WHO WERE REALLY IN FOR THE FUN FILLED AFTERNOON!

AND THEN...
RIGHT SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THAT CHAOS AND MADNESS...
DEE COMES OUT INTO THE KITCHEN AND SAYS TO THE BIG GUY...

"YOU KNOW WHAT HON?
LET'S JUST TAKE MERLIN, MOLLY AND KACI...AND LEAVE DITZY AND TIKA HERE"
SIGH!
YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME..

.I NEED TO GO FIND A FAVORITE SHOE TO CHEW ON!
WE'LL CATCH YOU NEXT TIME FOLKS!

NEVER A DULL MOMENT Y'ALL!

AFTER ALL THE EXCITEMENT OF KERRA GETTING OUT OF HER YARD,

 AND ALMOST BEING HIT BY A CAR HAD SETTLED DOWN,

ONCE AGAIN... IT WAS TIME TO FIND SOMETHING TO DO.

I TOLD MERLIN, I HEARD IT WAS GONNA RAIN,

 AND ASKED HIM TO GO TAKE A LOOK OUT THE BACK DOOR, 

AND SEE IF HE THOUGHT IT WAS STILL NICE ENOUGH TO GO OUT AND PLAY?   

 "IT'S LOOKS CLOUDY OUT RIGHT NOW!" HE YELLED BACK,

"BUT THEN AGAIN, I AM TRYING TO LOOK THROUGH A 5 YEAR OLD,

SALIVA COATED DOGGY DOOR TOO! 

    LET ME GO OUTSIDE AND GET A BETTER LOOK!

 I'LL BE RIGHT BACK OKAY?"

  AS MERLIN LOOKED OUT OVER THE YARD AND UP INTO THE MID MORNING SKY,

HE KNEW TWO THINGS FOR SURE!

1. TODAY WAS GOING TO BE A GREAT DAY TO BE OUTSIDE!

   AND 2. HE COULDN'T HOLD IT ONE MORE MINUTE!

 

HIS EXCITEMENT THAT IS!

FOR THE...UHHHH...ANNUAL...UHHHH...CANINE...WHEEL BARREL RACES!

COMING UP SOON, LATER ON, ONE DAY, AFTER A WHILE...AT SOME POINT...MAYBE..

 I KNOW AT LEAST 5 OUT OF THE SEVEN OF YOU READERS,

 THINKS MERLIN IS GOING POTTY RIGHT?

WELL...YOU WOULD BE WRONG!

THIS IS ACTUALLY AN EXERCISE THAT MERLIN DOES,

 TO HELP BUILD THE UPPER BODY STRENGTH, HE'LL BE NEEDING FOR FOR THE RACE!

  YEAH, THAT'S IT! THE RACE!

YOU CAN'T SEE IT IN THE PICTURE...

BUT LOOK HOW BOTH HIND LEGS ARE OFF THE GROUND THE EXACT SAME DISTANCE!

(DID YOU JUST LOOK FOR SOMETHING,

  I JUST TOLD YOU, YOU CAN'T SEE IN THE PICTURE?)

THAT IS WAAAAAAAY TOO FUNNY, RIGHT?

HE CAN STAY ELEVATED LIKE THAT FOR ALMOST 3 HOURS!

(THTA'S JUST UNDER 40 SECOND'S IN HUMAN TIME!)

WHEN MERLIN FAILED TO RETURN TO THE HOUSE, WITH A CURRENT WEATHER REPORT, I DECIDED TO JUST GO SEE WHAT IT WAS DOING OUTSIDE FOR MYSELF.

  
 BOY!
MERLIN WASN'T KIDDING WHEN HE COMPLAINED ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS,
 TO SEE OUT OF THIS SALIVA-COATED DOGGY DOOR WE'VE GOT HERE!
 YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY ABOUT THAT?
MERLIN CONSTANTLY COMPLAINS ABOUT THE SPIT ALL OVER BOTH SIDES OF THE DOOR, ALL THE TIME, AND REFUSES TO BELIEVE...
THAT HE IS THE 'LICKER AT LARGE!'
TODAY...WE'RE GONNA GET IT ON FILM AND THIS TIME.
WE.MAKE THE CHARGES...STICK!

I'LL JUST STEP OVER HERE TO THE SCREEN, AND SEE FOR MYSELF,..

O.M.G!
WE'RE ABOUT TO GET SLAMMED BY A MUD STORM!
RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MERLIN! RUUUUUUUUNNNNN!

OH WAIT A MINUTE...
IS THAT JUST DUST ON THE SCREEN?
WOW!
(THE LAST TIME I SAW THAT MUCH DUST ACCUMULATED IN ONE PLACE,
WAS IN THE BIG GUYS WALLET!)

I WENT OUT TO THE BACK PORCH AND LOOKED AROUND.

 IT DIDN'T LOOK LIKE RAIN TO ME!

WELL,  LOOKEE THERE YALL!

THAT WOULDN'T BE MERLIN OVER THERE,
FIXIN TO GO POTTY ON THAT TREE.
 AFTER HIS WHEEL BARREL RACE TRAINING...WOULD IT?

 "DO YOU MIND?" MERLIN MOANED...

MOLLY WAS UP ON THE BACK PORCH COUCH,
  WORKING ON A LITTLE HIP-HOP SONG SHE HAD WRITTEN CALLED,

"WHO DRAGGED THIS DOG HOME!
 

WHO? WHO?

 IT MUSTA BEEN YOU...AND...YOU!

 I WAITED TO GO BACK IN THE HOUSE UNTIL,
 I HEARD HER HIT THE HIGH NOTE AT THE END!

SHE NEVER SOUNDED BETTER Y'ALL!

I TURNED AROUND...

AND HEADED BACK INTO THE HOUSE.

TO SEE WHAT KACI AND TIKA WERE UP?

KACI WAS UP IN THE BIG CHAIR,

 SCANNING THE FLOOR BACK AND FORTH...

LOOKING FOR WHAT SHE LIKES TO CALL...
 

  MOVING EDIBLES!"
YOU KNOW, THINGS LIKE RABID BADGERS, SOMEBODY'S MONGOOSE,
A WAD OF RUG LINT FLOATING ACROSS THE FLOOR!

I DIDN'T SEE TIKA ANYWHERE,
SO I DECIDED TO JUMP UP ON THE ON THE COUCH,
 AND DO A FEW DEEP, BACK-LEG TUCKS.

I BARELY FINISHED MY FIRST TUCK,
 WHEN I HEARD DEE YELL OUT TO THE BIG GUY FROM HER OFFICE...

 "WE SHOULD PROBABLY THINK ABOUT GETTING THE DOGS READY SOON!"

BY THE TONE OF HER VOICE, WE ALL KNEW...
THAT COULD ONLY MEAN ONE THING!

CLIFFHANGER TIL NEXT TIME Y'ALL!

AS DAWN BREAKS OVER THE HORIZON..

"ROUND HERE THAT REALLY MEANS..."MORNIN' Y'ALL!'

MORNINGS AROUND HERE START PRETTY MUCH THE SAME WAY AS HUMANS DO.

WE GET UP RIGHT AROUND 5 WITH THE BIG GUY,
WHO OPENS THE DOOR TO LET US ALL GO OUTSIDE TO  POTTY.

BEFORE WE ALL GO POTTY THOUGH,

 WE LIKE TO START BARKING OUR HEADS OFF,
 TO LET THE ROOSTERS, TWO COUNTIES OVER KNOW...
THEY'RE RUNNING A LITTLE LATE AGAIN!

 

THE HIGHLIGHT OF EACH DAY OUT HERE ON THE PAWDEROSA, 

OF COURSE IS MORNIN VITTLES!

DEE AND THE BIG GUY SERVE UP SOME MIGHTT FINE GRUB,

 AND KEEP A CLEAN CHUCK WAGON!

WE EAT GOOD IN THESE PARTS...

LET'S SEE WHAT MOLLY THINKS ABOUT THE GREAT TASTE OF,
 XXXXXXX XXXXXX BRAND DOG FOOD?

"O.M.G.! I COULD EAT THIS ALLLLLLLL DAY!"

 HOW ABOUT YOU TIKA?

TELL US... HOW MUCH DO YOU SAVOR THE FLAVOR OF,
 XXXXXXX XXXXXX BRAND DOG FOOD?

"NOT NOW PLEASE!

I GOT MY NOSE IS STUCK IN THE OBSTACLE BOWL AGAIN..

BETTER.GO GET MOM!"

 

 IT SURE LOOKS LIKE MERLIN'S ENJOYING THE NUTRITIONALLY BALANCED,

 AND GREAT TASTING BLEND OF XXXXXXX XXXXXX BRAND DOG FOOD!

HEY MERLIN!
 TURN AROUND HERE FOR A MINUTE,
 AND TELL THE GOOD FOLKS HERE,

WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THE GREAT TASTE OF,

XXXXXXX XXXXXX BRAND DOG FOOD!

XXXXXXX XXXXXX BRAND DOG FOOD,
 IS JUST LIP-LICKIN GOOD FRIENDS!
LIP-LICKIN GOOD INDEED!

"HOW 'BOUT YOU KACI?

 WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE AWESOME TASTE OF,

XXXXXXX XXXXXX BRAND DOG FOOD?"

SLURP. LICK, LICK, GNAW, SLURP, SLURP, LICK, 

GNAW, GNAW, LICK, LICK, SLURP, SLURP, SLURP!

LOOK AT 'EM!

THEY EAT LIKE A BUNCH OF ANIMALS I TELL YA!...ANIMALS!

AFTER BREAKFAST, JUST LIKE HUMANS, WE ALL GET OUR TEETH BRUSHED!

FIRST UP IS MOLLY!

THEN TIKA!

THEN MR. MERLIN!

AND THEN KACI!

(I'VE BEEN CHEWING TATAR CONTROL GUM FOR ABOUT A WEEK NOW SO)....

AFTER OUR TEETH ARE ALL BRUSHED,
WE ALL GO INTO THE LIVING ROOM TO HANG OUT AND PLAY AROUND FOR A WHILE.

THIS IS US PRETENDING WE JUST BROUGHT DOWN OUR FIRST HUMAN!
   (OR...ARE WE?)

AFTER A FEW MINUTES OF EXCITEMENT AND ROUGH-HOUSING AROUND,
WE ALL KIND OF SCATTER AROUND THE HOUSE,
 AND GO DO OUR OWN THING FOR LITTLE A WHILE.

TIKA WENT OUT INTO THE OFFICE WITH DEE,

 WHERE SHE'LL GO CRASH OUT, IN ONE OF A NUMBER OF COMFORTABLE RESTING SUITES AVAILABLE FOR BOTH SHORT AND LONG STAYS IN THE OFFICE!

FIRST WE HAVE THE CHAMBER OF SOLITUDE...

NEXT...
WE HAVE THE SHORT REST NEST!
WHEN DEE'S IN THE OFFICE,
 THIS IS WHERE MOLLY LIKES TO REST.

MOLLY SAY'S IT'S A GREAT PLACE TO REST AND AVOID GETTING RUN OVER BY THOSE PAW-SLICING, TOE-NAIL CRUSHING, TAIL-CRUNCHING ROUND SAW BLADE WHEELS DEE'S ROLLING AROUND ON IN THERE!

NEXT WE HAVE THE ECONO SUITE!
IT'S A LITTLE BIT CHEAPER BECAUSE OF IT'S CLOSE PROXIMITY TO AFOREMENTIONED...SAW BLADE WHEELS!

ALSO IN CLOSE PROXIMITY TO THE WHEELS OF DEATH,
WE HAVE, THE SHORT-REST NEST II!

WITH THE SAME RESTING ACCOMMODATIONS AS THE SHORT REST 1,
YOU'LL ENJOY A REDUCED RATE WITH NOT ONLY A LOWER RUN-OVER RISK,
BUT THE SECURITY AND PEACE OF MIND OF KNOWING ,
THAT EVERY TIME YOU TAKE A NAP IN THIS COZY LITTLE NUMBER,
YOU'RE GONNA WAKE UP WITH YOUR DIGITS AND TAIL INTACT!

THIS IS WHERE DOG'S LIKE MOLLY, PREFER TO BE,
 WHENEVER  DEE IS SOMEWHERE ELSE IN THE HOUSE!

AND LASTLY, 
NESTLED AWAY IN THE WARMEST CORNER OF THE OFFICE,
 IS MY PERSONAL FAVORITE...THE V.I.P!
(THAT WOULD STAND FOR VERY IMPORTANT PUPS)

THIS CHARMING LITTLE CUBBY-HOLE,
 FEATURE'S LUXURY RESTING ACCOMMODATIONS, THAT ARE SECOND TO NONE!

WITH ZERO RUN-OVER RISK,
YOU'LL REST EASY KNOWING THE WHEELS OF DEATH,
ARE SOMEBODY ELSE'S PROBLEM!

SORRY ABOUT THAT.
.I WATCH A LOT OF THOSE REAL ESTATE PROPERTY SHOWS!

OKAY, SO TIKA'S IN WITH DEE..

MERLIN'S AT THE BACK DOOR, WAITING TO GO OUT...

 "HEY MERLIN! ARE YOU WAITING TO GO OUT BUDDY?"

"WELL, I'M NOT STANDING HERE WAITING TO LET ANYBODY IN,
THAT'S FOR SURE!" HE REPLIED.

MOLLY IS IN HER FAVORITE SPOT...BORED OUT OF HER MIND...

KACI'S PROBABLY OUT BACK,

 EATING ONE OF THE NEIGHBORS HORSE OR SOMETHING?

AND I...

AM GOING TO DO WHAT I LIKE TO DO, AFTER A GOOD BREAKFAST!

ALL OF THE SUDDEN!

THE WHOLE HOUSE IS AWAKENED BY THE SOUND OF CAR TIRES,

 SQUEALING TO A STOP, RIGHT OUT IN FRONT OF OUR HOUSE!

DEE JUMPS UP AND RUNS OUT OF THE DOOR AND SEE'S A LOOSE DOG,

 THAT HAD JUST MISSED BEING HIT BY AN ON-COMING CAR!

SHE CALLED OUT TO THE FRIGHTENED LITTLE PUP,

 AND WAS QUICKLY ABLE TO COAX IT INTO THE GARAGE,

 WHERE IT WOULD BE SAFE UNTIL SHE AND THE BIG GUY,

COULD TRY AND TRACK DOWN IT'S OWNER!

DEE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BEST TO KEEP THE DOG OUT IN THE GARAGE,
 UNTIL SHE WAS SURE THE REST OF US WOULD BE OKAY WITH HER BEING IN THE HOUSE FIRST...

MOLLY AND KACI WERE THE FIRST TO TRY AN ESTABLISH A LINE OF COMMUNICATION WITH THE LITTLE LOST PUPPY!

"ARE YOU HURT?" THEY ASKED...

"DO YOU NEED WATER?
DO YOU REQUIRE FOOD?
DO YOU HAVE AN OWNER?
ARE YOU WEARING A COLLAR WITH TAGS?
ARE YOU CHIPPED?

ME AND MERLIN STEPPED UP TO THE DOOR, WITH A FEW QUESTIONS OF OUR OWN, 

WE WANTED ANSWERS TO, 

BEFORE WE WERE WILLING TO OPEN UP OUR HOME TO JUST ANY OLD STRAY!

"WHERE DO YOU HAIL FROM?" I ASKED.
"HAVE YOU HAD ALL YOUR SHOTS?
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE TREATED FOR KENNEL COUGH?
I HAVE TO ASK YOU THIS, BECAUSE WE HAVE KENNELS IN THE HOUSE,AND WE DON'T WANT TO SEE THEM START COUGHING, IF WE LET YOU IN!"

"YOU GOT ANY FLEAS OR TICKS?" MERLIN ASKED.

"WHAT IS YOUR NAME LITTLE LOST DOG?" I INQUIRED...

"MY NAME IS KERRA!"

"KERRA?" WE ALL ASKED... "FROM NEXT DOOR?
 DID YOU GET OUT AGAIN? WELL DON'T STAND OUT THERE...COME ON IN!"

DEE OPENED THE DOOR AND LET HER IN THE HOUSE...
IT WAS LIKE OLD HOME WEEK Y'ALL!

AFTER A BRIEF VISIT, DEE TOOK KERRA BACK HOME,
SO ME AND MERLIN RAN OUT BACK TO MAKE SURE SHE GOT THERE OKAY!

WE PEEKED THROUGH THE CRACKS IN THE FENCE,

AND A FEW SECONDS LATER..

SHE WAS BACK HOME & SAFE AND SOUND Y'ALL!

WE'LL SEE YA NEXT TIME!