FOOD FIGHT!

AFTER WOLFING DOWN WHAT TRULY WAS, A FINE, FINE SANDWICH INDEED,

MERLIN AND I HAD JUST STARTED TALKING ABOUT WHAT WE WERE GONNA DO FOR THE REST OF THE DAY, WHEN THE LUNCH SIGNAL BEGAN TO BLARE!

THE LUNCH SIGNAL IS PART OF THE CANINE CODE OF CUISINE AND ETHICS, 

WHICH REQUIRES ALL DOGS IN A MULTIPLE DOG DWELLING, 

TO SIGNAL ALL THE OTHER DOGS IN THE SAME DWELLING, 

WHENEVER HUMAN FOOD IS BEING PREPARED IN THE KITCHEN.

THIS ALLOWS EACH DOG, EQUAL OPPORTUNITY TO ENJOY EVEN THE SMALLEST MORSEL OF HUMAN FOOD THAT HITS THE FLOOR.

THAT'S WHY WE DO ALL THAT SNAPPING AND SNARLING AND FIGHTING WE DO,

 WHENEVER HUMAN FOOD IS IN THE MIX!

THIS TIME IT WAS TIKA SENDING OUT THE SIGNAL!

FIRST SHE BARKED TOWARDS THE DINING ROOM...

THEN SHE BARKED TOWARDS THE GARAGE!

THEN SHE GOT A LITTLE CLOSER, FOR VISUAL CONFIRMATION,

 THAT LUNCH WAS IN FACT... BEING PREPARED.

SHE CONTINUED TO SIGNAL...

KACI WAS THE FIRST TO ARRIVE ON THE SCENE...

(NO SURPRISE THERE RIGHT?)

THE SECOND SHE GET'S EVEN THE SLIGHTEST WHIFF OF HUMAN FOOD,

SHE'S GOES OVER BY THE STOVE,

 AND GOES INTO A TRANCE OR SOMETHING FOR A FEW SECONDS.

I THINK SHE IS MENTALLY PREPARING HERSELF FOR A FIGHT TO THE DEATH

OVER ANYTHING THAT LANDS.....WELL...ANYWHERE!

WE TAKE OUR HUMAN FOOD REAL SERIOUS AROUND HERE!

IF WE HEAR SO MUCH AS A MICROSCOPIC MORSEL OF FOOD,

 FALLING THROUGH THE AIR ON IT'S WAY TO THE FLOOR? 

IT'S ON Y'ALL!

HUMAN FOOD DOESN'T COME AROUND NEARLY OFTEN ENOUGH FOR US,

SO WHEN IT DOES...YOU CAN BELIEVE...IT'S ALWAYS WORTH THE FIGHT!

ALTHOUGH,

I WAS FOOLED BY A REALLY HOT BRUSSELS SPROUT ONCE!

THANK GOODNESS THE SEARING HEAT THAT WAS BURNING THE INSIDE OF MY ENTIRE MOUTH, WOUND UP BEING A PLEASANT DISTRACTION FROM THE TASTE OF THAT NASTY, NASTY, VERY NASTY THING!

ME, MERLIN AND MOLLY,

 FOLLOWED KACI BACK INTO THE KITCHEN FROM THE GARAGE,

 AND BEGAN TO ASSESS THE SITUATION.

IF DEE MADE HER LUNCH ON THIS SIDE OF THE ROOM,

 THE THREE OF US AT LEAST HAD A CHANCE,

IF SOMETHING GOT DROPPED ON THE FLOOR.

IF SHE MADE IT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM,

 WHERE KACI AND THE STOVE WERE,

 IT WAS ALL OVER BUT THE SOUND OF KACI FLOSSING!

DANG! DEE WAS GOIN TO THE STOVE Y'ALL!

THE ONLY SHOT WE HAD AT ANY DROPPED FOOD WHEN KACI WAS PRESENT,

WAS TO EMPLOY A LITTLE TRICK WE CANINES CALL, THE 'UNDERFOOT!'

THE 'UNDERFOOT' WHEN USED PROPERLY, 

 ACTUALLY INCREASES THE LIKELIHOOD OF TASTY LIQUID SPILLS,

 AND FOOD DROPS BY MORE THAN 700%!

THE NUMBERS DON'T LIE FOLKS!

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS...

THE UNDERFOOT IS WHEN ALL THE DOGS IN THE HOUSE START FRANTICALLY BARKING THEIR HEADS OFF, WHILE CASUALLY HERDING THE COOK INTO A SMALLER, MORE CONTROLLABLE SPACE, AND THEN SLOWLY CHOKE OFF THE COOKS ABILITY TO MOVE ABOUT BY JUST GETTING AND STAYING...UNDER FOOT!

THE MORE 'IN THE WAY' YOU GET...

THE BETTER YOUR CHANCES ARE OF CAUSING THE KINDS OF TRIPS ,

 STUMBLES AND QUICK STOPS THAT CAN SEND FOOD OFF THE PLATE,

OR OVER THE LIP OF A BOWL, AND IN YOUR DIRECTION...

LIKE A GIFT FROM THE HEAVENS Y'ALL!

 A GOOD UNDER-FOOTER, STAYS THE COURSE...NEVER GETS STEPPED ON,

AND KNOWS HOW TO RATTLE THE HUMAN MIND...

 LIKE AN ANGRY DIAMONDBACKS TAIL SECTION!

THIS COULD BE IT FOLKS!

WAIT FOR IT....WAIT FOR IT!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...WE HAVE A WINNER!

THAT WAS BEST GRAIN OF SALT I EVER TASTED Y'ALL!

GO ON AND HAVE YERSELF A GREAT DAY NOW...AND WE'LL SEE YA NEXT TIME!

CARE TO JOIN US FOR LUNCH?

WELL....IT'S NOT VERY OFTEN, THAT I FIND MYSELF ON THE WRONG END OF A GOOD PRANK, BUT I GOTTA ADMIT, THAT 4 PACK OF MISFITS PULLED OFF A PRETTY GOOD ONE ON ME THERE!

I SPENT THE BETTER PART OF THE DAY SNIFFING MYSELF FROM HEAD TO TOE!

I EVEN WENT IN TO DEES' OFFICE AND SAT ON HER LAP, SO SHE COULD SMELL ME AND GIVE ME A PRETTY GIRL BATH IN THE SINK!'

NO REACTION WHAT-SO-EVER Y'ALL!

BUT THAT'S OKAY!  SHE'S A HUMAN!
SHE DOESN'T HAVE THE KEEN SENSE OF SMELL DOGS LIKE US HAVE!

 WHY, MOST DOGS CAN SMELL A FART YOU LET LOOSE INTO THE PATH OF AN ON-COMING TORNADO IN THE BACK YARD A WEEK AGO!
SO BELIEVE ME...
WHEN 4 DOGS ARE TELLING YOU, YOU STINK...
IT'S A PRETTY GOOD BET...THERE'S SOME SERIOUS STANK GOIN ON,
AND YOU CAN BELIEVE THAT!

I DID....

I WAS UP IN DEE'S LAP FOR TWENTY MINUTES,
 SNIFFING EVERY INCH OF MY LITTLE BODY OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

(I EVEN BEGAN TO QUESTION MY OWN KEEN SENSE OF SMELL!)

 I WAS SNIFFING SO HARD, YOU'DA THOUGHT I WAS HOT ON THE TRAIL;
 AND ABOUT TO CLOSE IN ON MY INNER SELF!

I WAS SNIFFING MY PITS...

AND TRYING NOT TO LET MY NOSE DRY OUT...

AND FUSSING AND FIDGETING AROUND FOR SO LONG,
 DEE FINALLY SET ME BACK DOWN ON THE FLOOR...

SO YEAH! THEY GOT ME GOOD PRETTY THERE Y'ALL!

 WHEN I GOT BACK OUT TO THE DINING ROOM AREA,
MERLIN, TIKA,AND KACI, LOOKED LIKE WERE ALL UP TO SOME KINDA NO GOOD!
 THEY WAS JUSTA LICKING THEIR LIPS, AND CARRYING ON
LIKE THE FOX THAT BEAT YOU TO THE HEN HOUSE AGAIN!

ALL THE SUDDEN...I KNEW WHY...

IT SEEMS THE BIG GUY SET HIS SANDWICH DOWN ON THE TABLE,
 TO ANSWER THE PHONE...AND WHEN HE TURNED AROUND TO GET IT....

LIKE MAGIC! THE SANDWICH...JUST DISAPPEARED!

TAKING KACI'S WORLD RENOWNED APPETITE INTO CONSIDERATION,
THE BIG GUY BEGAN QUESTIONING HER FIRST!

"KACI! DID YOU EAT DADDY'S SANDWICH?"

KACI:
"HEY...WHEN DID WE GET THIS RUG?"

THE BIG GUY:
KACI! KACI!
 LOOK AT ME KACI!

DID YOU EAT MY SANDWICH?
STICK OUT YOUR TONGUE AND LET ME SEE IF YOU HAVE CRUMMIES ON IT?

OKAY....YOU'RE CLEAN...

WHAT ABOUT YOU MERLIN?
 DID YOU SEE WHO ATE MY SANDWICH?

 YOU THINK MAYBE IT WAS DITZY! YEAH?
SHOULD I MAKE HER OPEN HER MOUTH AND STICK OUT HER TONGUE TOO?
OKAY I WILL..
.
SAY AHHH, DITZY GIRL!

!

"AHHHHHHHHHHH"

GOOD GIRL DITZ!
.(I KNOW YOU DIDN'T TAKE DADDY'S SANDWICH OFF THE TABLE...
YOU'RE TOO SHORT!)"

"FOR A COFFEE TABLE?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?
I'M TOO SHORT FOR A COFFEE TABLE?!"

I WONDER IF HE THINKS RESCUED SOME KIND OF FREAK, OVER-SIZED,
FERREL GERBIL/HAMSTER MIX OR SOMETHING?

WELL....I MIGHT BE SHORT..
BUT I STILL GOT CUTE WORKIN FOR ME!

BESIDES...YOU WOULD THINK A BIG, TALL GUY LIKE YOU,
(AFTER 15 YEARS OF NON-STOP RESCUES AND ADOPTIONS),
  WOULD BE SMART ENOUGH TO FIND A TALLER TABLE
TO PUT YER FOOD ON, IN THE FIRST PLACE!
I'M JUST SAYIN!

IF YOU'RE GONNA SET YOUR LUNCH DOWN ON A TABLE,
IN FRONT MULTIPLE DROOLING DOGS IN WAITING, LIKE YOU'RE SERVING UP SOME KIND OF PLATE OF TREATS FOR THEM TO FROLIC IN...AND THEN WALK AWAY...

(I MEAN...OTHER THAN CHEWING THE SANDWICH  UP FOR THE CULPRIT'S,
( LIKE BIRDS DO).
COULD YOU HAVE MADE IT ANY EASIER FOR 'EM?)

 (I GUESS I'M JUST NOT GETTING THE WHOLE LOOK OF UTTER SURPRISE,
I'M SEEING IN THE BIG GUY'S FACE RIGHT NOW?)

"THAT LEAVES YOU AND TIKA!" THE BIG GUY TOLD MERLIN...

"TIKA?
DID YOU HAVE ANY PART OF THIS?" THE BIG GUY ASKED...

COME UP HERE AND STICK OUT YOUR TONGUE LIKE THE OTHERS HAD TO...

HMMMM. NOPE, NO CRUMMIES! GOOD GIRL!

"OH...I DON'T KNOW MR. MERLIN"....THE BIG GUY SAID...
"IT'S NOT LOOKING REAL GOOD FOR THE HOME TEAM PAL!

GO ON...STICK OUT YOUR TONGUE BUDDY!

OH, YOU GOTTA DO BETTER THAN THAT MERLIN BOY!

THERE WE GO...THAT'S BETTER!

NOPE! NO CRUMMIES ON YOUR TONGUE EITHER MERLIN!
HMMMM..I GUESS WILL NEVER KNOW WILL WE GUYS?

AFTER THE BIG GUY LEFT THE ROOM,
I CALLED MERLIN OVER AND LET HIM IN ON A LITTLE SECRET....

"HEY MERLIN" I SAID, "I'VE GOT THE BIG GUY'S SANDWICH HIDDEN LESS THAN A FOOT FROM WHERE HE LEFT IT ON THE TABLE! YOU WANNA COME HELP ME EAT IT?
 I KNEW THERE WASN'T GONNA TIME TO EAT IT WHEN I SNATCHED IT...
BUT WE SURE GOT TIME TO EAT IT NOW! DON'T WE BOY?

DID THE BIG GUY REALLY THINK I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE CRUMMIES?

WE'LL SEE YA NEXT TIME FRIENDS...

PRANKING...THE PRANKSTER!...

BEFORE LEAVING TO TAKE MOLLY, MERLIN AND KACI TO THE GROOMER,

DEE REACHED DOWN AND GAVE ME AND TIKA A LITTLE TREAT.

I LOOKED AT IT FOR A BRIEF MOMENT AND THOUGHT...

A TREAT! REALLY?

YOU CRUSH OUR HOPES, LIKE CRACKERS IN YOUR SOUP,

AND NOW YOU WANT TO TRY CONSOLE US WITH A TREAT!?

 YOU BREAK MY INNOCENT LITTLE HEART...

AND THINK YOU CAN BEGIN THE HEALING PROCESS,

 WITH A TREAT!

OKAY! I'M GOOD WITH THAT!

SORRY FOLKS...BUT THESE TREATS REALLY ARE THAT GOOD!

AND THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE MADE BY THE FINE FOLKS AT, 

XXXXXX XXXXXX, INC.

WHO LOVE YOUR PETS...JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO!

I FINISHED MY TREAT TO THE SOUND OF THE GARAGE DOOR CLOSING,
AND DECIDED TO DO A LITTLE LIVE, REAL-TIME BLOGGING!
LOOK!
SEE!
IT'S ME!
RIGHT NOW!
 IN REAL TIME!
BLOGGING!
NO...REALLY!

TIKA WAS SITTING DOWN ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO ME, STILL VERY UPSET OVER MISSING OUT ON THE CHANCE TO GET OUT AND DO SOMETHING FUN FOR A WHILE.

I TOLD HER TO QUIT WHINING AND GET OVER IT!

SHE SAID SHE WAS GETTING SICK AND TIRED OF BEING TREATED LIKE JUST ANOTHER FAVORITE DOG, AND SAID SHE HAD JUST ABOUT HAD IT UP TO HER DOG COLLAR,
 BEING LEFT AT HOME ALL THE TIME!
 

 
IT WAS 'SLOWING HER SOCIAL ROLL' SHE SAID.

SHE ALSO SAID, SHE WASN'T REAL HAPPY ABOUT FEELING LIKE NUMBER TWO LATELY!
 OKAY...BAD CHOICE OF WORDS THERE...SECOND FAVORITE, LATELY!

AS THE NUMBER ONE FAVORITE....(THROUGHOUT THE LAND, I MIGHT ADD)...
II FELT IT WAS MY OBLIGATION TO TRY AND OFFER SOME SEMBLANCE OF SIBLING-LIKE COMFORT AND UNDERSTANDING, TO MY DEAR, DEAR SISTER,
 AND MOST CHERISHED FRIEND, WHO HAS BEEN SO DEEPLY SADDENED,
 BY THIS HEART-WRENCHING AND SUDDEN TURN OF EVENTS..

"WILL YOU SHUT UP FOR FIVE MINUTES SO I CAN BLOG!"

JUST AS I GOT TO THIS POINT IN TODAY'S BLOG..

I HEARD THE GARAGE DOOR BEGINNING TO OPEN....

I LOGGED OFF REAL QUI...

IT WAS DEE AND THE BIG GUY,
THEY WERE BACK FROM DROPPING OFF THE OTHERS AT THE GROOMER'S.
OR SHOULD I SAY...THE DOGGY BAKERY, PARK AND FOOD FACTORY!

"HEY MERLIN...POLLY WANNA CRACKER!
I'LL BET YOU DO BIG BOY!"

KACI'S PROBABLY SITTING IN A POOL OF TEARS AND DROOL RIGHT ABOUT NOW,
WONDERING HOW MUCH OF A DENT SHE WOULD HAVE PUT IN THE FACTORY'S INVENTORY WHEN IT WAS ALL SAID AND DONE.

 I WOULD HAVE TO SAY....MOST OF IT ANYWAY!

AND MOLLY'S LITTLE TRIP AIN'T GONNA BE NO WALK IN THE PARK EITHER!
 (SHE HATES THE GROOMERS!)

IT'S ALL GOOD Y'ALL! IT'S ALL GOOD.

WHY IF I  DIDN'T PRANK THESE HOUNDS LIKE I DO...I SWEAR,
THEY'D THINK SOMETHING WAS WRONG!

DEE REACHED DOWN AND PICKED ME UP AND SAID...

"YOU GUYS WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN THE CAR?"

SIGH...HUMANS....

TIKA AND I JUMPED INTO THE CAR  AND AND SETTLED IN,
 FOR WHATEVER THE DAY WOULD BRING!
IF THIS LITTLE GET-A-WAY WAS ANYTHING BUT A TRIP TO THE VET,
WE WAS FIXING TO HAVE US A GOOD TIME Y'ALL!

TIKA LIKES TO SIT IN THE BACK SEAT,
 SO SHE CAN HANG OVER THE CENTER CONSOLE,
 IN BETWEEN DEE AND THE BIG GUY AND TALK TO ME!
THAT'S RIGHT! TALK TO ME!

YOU KNOW THOSE WHISTLES YOU HUMANS HAVE THAT ONLY DOGS CAN HEAR?
WELL...WE HAVE CONVERSATIONS YOU CAN'T HEAR EITHER!

SHE ALSO LIKED TO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW TOO.

NOW ME,

 I ALWAYS RIDE SHOTGUN ON THE PASSENGERS LAP!

I RECKON THAT'S FAIR, BEIN'S HOW I'M SO CUTE AND ALL!

NO ONE WOULD EVEN BE ABLE TO SEE ME,
 IF I WERE IN THE BACK SEAT, LITTLE AS I AM AND ALL!

 HERE'S A LITTLE USELESS TRIVIA TO CONSIDER AND FORGET...
WHAT ARE THE TOP 3 THINGS,
 HUMAN BEINGS TOSS INTO THE BACK SEAT OF THEIR VEHICLES,
 ON A REGULAR BASIS?

 LUGGAGE... FOOD WRAPPERS...AND 3. THEIR 2ND FAVORITE DOG!

I'M JUST SAYIN...

 

TIKA LEANED OVER AND ASKED ME WHAT MY MOST ANNOYING HUMAN PEEVE WAS?

I HAD TO THINK ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE...

THERE'S SO MANY!
 I'M KIDDING! I'M KIDDING!

I WOULD HAVE TO SAY... MY MOST ANNOYING HUMAN PEEVE,

 WOULD BE WHAT I CALL...
'THE REPEAT OFFENDER'.

HERE'S THE SCENARIO...
A HUMAN ROLLS A BALL OVER WHERE YOU'RE SITTING,
 AND WANTS YOU TO PICK IT UP AND RETURN IT TO THEM.
SIMPLE ENOUGH RIGHT?

 I MEAN, COME ON, EVEN MONKEY'S LEARN BY REPETITION RIGHT?

ONLY TODAY...MAYBE YOU DON'T WANNA FETCH, CATCH AND RETCH.

SO YOU JUST SIT THERE...

AND THEN IT STARTS!

"GET THE BALL DITZ! BRING ME THE BALL DITZ! GET THE BALL DITZ!
COME ON DITZY GIRL! GET THE BALL! GET THE BALL DITZY-WITZ!"

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS "NOT RIGHT NOW! ANY BETTER THAN THIS Y'ALL!

RELUCTANTLY, YOU GET UP YOU BECAUSE YOU KNOW, THE NEEDLE THAT'S STUCK ON THE RECORD, IS GONNA KEEP PLAYING THE SAME THING,
 OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN...UNTIL YOU DO!

YOU LOOK UP AT THE HUMAN...

YOU LOOK DOWN AT THE BALL...

LOOK UP AT THE HUMAN AGAIN...

ROUND 2!

"GET THE BALL DITZY! GO ON! GET IT! GET THE BALL LITTLE GIRL!
BRING ME THE BALL! COME ON DITZY!

(WHAT SHE DOESN'T KNOW, IS THAT WE ALL HAVE LITTLE SIDE BETS WITH EACH OTHER AS TO HOW MANY TIMES I CAN GET HER TO REPEAT HERSELF!

SHE'S AT TWELVE RIGHT NOW,
 SO IN ORDER FOR ME TO WIN...SHE HAS TO REPEAT HERSELF 82 MORE TIMES! 

YOU LOOK DOWN AT THE BALL AGAIN!

AND THEN UP AT THE HUMAN AGAIN...

IN THE END... I PICK UP THE STUPID BALL...AND TAKE IT OUTSIDE!
GAME OVER Y'ALL!

I LEANED IN A LITTLE CLOSER, AND ASKED TIKA,
 WHAT HER MOST ANNOYING HUMAN PEEVE WAS?

SHE LOOKED BACK UP AT ME AND SAID...THEY'RE HUMAN!

WE LAUGHED OVER THAT ONE...

 

 AND THEN TURNED INTO THE DRIVEWAY AT HOME. 

DEE AND THE BIG GUY DROPPED ME AND TIKA OFF AND THEN HEADED OUT TO GO PICK UP THE OTHERS FROM THE GROOMERS.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER...WE WERE ALL BACK HOME, SAFE AND SOUND!

I WAS ON MY WAY OUTSIDE TO GO HANG OUT IN THE YARD FOR LITTLE WHILE,
 AND RIGHT WHEN I WAS WALKING BY MOLLY, SHE GAVE ME A SNIFF AND SAID...
 
"O.M.G! WHAT IS THAT AWFUL SMELL?
IS THAT YOU DITZ!?
 WHAT A HORRIBLE ODOR!"

 
 I TOLD HER SHE WAS CRAZY, IF SHE THOUGHT IT WAS ME!
AND I TOLD HER IT WAS PROBABLY, THAT MUSTY OLD JACKET,
 HANGING ON THE BACK OF THAT CHAIR THERE,

SHE SNIFFED THE JACKET REAL QUICK...

AND THEN SNIFFED ME AGAIN!

"IT AIN'T THE JACKET!" MOLLY SAID.

I SNIFFED THE AIR...AND DIDN'T SMELL ANYTHING!

 .
 IT COULDN'T BE ME! COULD IT?
I'M TOO CUTE TO STINK! AREN'T I?

 MOLLY CALLED MERLIN OVER AND TOLD HIM TAKE A SNIFF OR TWO,
AND SEE WHAT HE THOUGHT...

 AFTER JUST ONE LITTLE SNIFF,
 MERLIN BOLTED OUT THE DOOR, GAGGING, AND HEAVING,
 AND SCREAMING FOR FRESH AIR!

I WENT OUT TO THE BACK PORCH AND ASKED TIKA TO GIVE ME A SNIFF ME,
 AND LET ME KNOW WHAT SHE THOUGHT?
 

 SHE TOOK A LITTLE SNIFF...

AND THEN SAID SHE FELT LIKE SHE WAS ABOUT TO HURL!

 THEN KACI CAME OVER AND GAVE ME A LITTLE WHIFF,
AND SHE STARTED RETCHING TOO!

THIS WAS TERRIBLE Y'ALL!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EMBARRASSED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!
WHAT EVER WAS I GONNA DO?

I WENT BACK INTO THE HOUSE TO CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP...

TIKA: "SO WHEN DO YOU WANNA TELL HER SHE JUST GOT PRANK'D?"

MOLLY: TELL HER?

DITZY'LL CATCH YOU NEXT TIME FOLKS!